How much debt is a dealbreaker in dating? We asked 1,000 people of all ages | Earnest

How much debt is a dealbreaker in dating? We asked 1,000 people of all ages

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A big part of choosing a life partner is finding someone who shares your values—moral, political, financial, and otherwise. But while you don’t necessarily have to adopt your partner’s politics or religion once you get married, finances are another story. Once you seal the legal deal, their savings become your savings—and their debt becomes your debt.

These financial implications might not sound very romantic, but they’re increasingly on daters’ minds. It’s not uncommon to see people list their credit scores on dating apps, and many daters are drawing a hard line when it comes to taking on a partner’s financial burdens.

So how much debt is too much debt? And what can you do if you’re over the acceptable limit? To find out, we surveyed more than 1,100 people about their stances on debt and dating. Here are the top takeaways.

The surprising consensus about debt dealbreakers

These days, most people have at least a little debt. According to U.S. government data, about one in six Americans is currently paying off federal student loans. And credit bureau Experian reports that anywhere from 72 to 83% of Americans have some amount of credit card debt. So, perhaps it’s no surprise that most daters see an outstanding balance as pretty normal. In fact, 45% of our survey respondents said they’d never turn down a date solely on financial grounds.

However, the remaining 55% of the dating pool is much more discerning about debt. These daters also have opinions about what type of debt a potential partner has. For example:

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Interestingly enough, these attitudes remained consistent across generations. Regardless of survey participants’ gender, age, or household income, they agreed that certain types of debt are better than others.

“If someone told me they had $100,000 in credit card debt, that would be a much bigger red flag than the same amount in student loans,” said one woman. Another said the type of debt matters because it’s a strong indicator of a potential partner’s values. “A lot of credit card debt doesn’t make sense to me,” she said. “If I don’t understand why someone is spending that way, it becomes a dealbreaker.”

How much debt is too much? The real thresholds people set

Most survey participants also agreed on the maximum acceptable thresholds for debt. On average, they settled on $55,000 as the upper limit of student debt they’d consider in a romantic partner, and around $12,000 as the upper threshold for credit card debt. These numbers were statistically consistent across generations, genders, and household income brackets.

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What each generation really thinks about debt

While nearly all participants agree on the basic debt red flags, our analysts found some generational differences in how people think about financial conversations. Millennials and Gen Xers, for example, are much more likely to feel responsible for initiating a conversation about finances with a potential partner. Gen-Zers, on the other hand, are more likely to be passive and hope their partner broaches the subject first.

Older daters’ motivation to talk about debt might come from past experiences: More than half of Millennials and Gen Xers said finances have been a significant stressor in past relationships. Meanwhile, the majority of Gen Zers said it had never been a problem for them. (Oh, to be young.) That said, Gen Z daters still find debt a major turn-off, according to a survey by the Western and Southern Financial Group. Young people also seem highly aware of the potential negative impacts of debt. Some Gen Zers, for example, are eschewing credit cards altogether—a possible symptom of increased financial anxiety. Millennials are also feeling the stress. According to the Pension Research Center, 31% of Millennials see debt as a major obstacle to financial planning, and more than half say they don’t feel comfortable making financial decisions more than a year in advance. If that’s how you feel, then it makes sense that you might be hesitant to take on a debt-riddled partner.

These behaviors could make you more dateable despite financial red flags

If you’re looking for love and your debt is above the average dater’s acceptable threshold, don’t panic. Most of our survey respondents said they’d be willing to be a little more flexible if their partner had a clear plan for dealing with their debt.

The majority (61%) said they’d be more likely to overlook a large balance if the borrower was actively paying it down. Other folks said a partner’s debt would feel more surmountable if that person had a high income, a good credit score, and/or was upfront and transparent about their financial situation.

“Debt is okay if there’s direction,” said one respondent. “If you know why you’re doing what you’re doing...that matters more than the amount.”

Another 34% of respondents said they’d be comfortable dating someone with serious debt if that person had a clear repayment plan. So, if you’re worried about your debt getting in the way of your love life, now might be time to sit down and come up with a strategy.

What to do if you have high student loan debt

If you have a hefty student loan balance and don’t qualify for student loan forgiveness or repayment assistance, you have two main options for reeling it in: consolidation and refinancing1. Here’s a quick look at each.

Consolidating your student loans

If you have federal debt, consider consolidating your student loans through the Department of Education. This can help you lower your monthly payment, change your loan term, and/or enroll in an income-driven repayment plan.

Refinancing your student loans

If you have private loans—or if you’re looking to reduce your interest rate and get out of debt faster—refinancing might be the better option. That’s because you cannot change your interest rate through the federal government. Refinancing through a private lender like Earnest is the only way to potentially secure a lower interest rate on existing loans. If you qualify for a lower rate, you’ll have the option to reduce your monthly payment. That could make your loans more affordable and reduce financial stress. You can also use refinancing to shorten your loan term. A more aggressive repayment plan can help you get out of debt faster and save2 money on interest in the long run.

What to do if you have credit cards or personal loans

Consumer debt—like personal loan or credit card debt—can be more detrimental than student loan debt because it often comes with higher interest rates. That may be one of the reasons daters are less tolerant of consumer debt in a potential partner. Fortunately, there are a few ways to get these balances under control.

How to evaluate your own debt

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your debt and you’re not sure where to begin, that’s okay. Getting curious about your finances is a huge first step. Step two is to sit down with your numbers and start to figure out where you stand—and what you can do to start moving your money in a positive direction.

If you need a hand getting organized, check out Earnest’s Payoff Path tool3. All you have to do is answer a couple of questions about your financial goals and current debt, and the program will help you create a customized repayment plan that fits your needs.

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About the Author

Corey Buhay

Corey Buhay is a writer and editor based in Boulder, Colorado. She’s passionate about literature, the outdoors, and doing her taxes by hand. She has been writing about student loans and personal finance for Earnest since 2019. You’ll find her work in Outside Magazine, Backpacker Magazine, Smithsonian, and The Denver Post.